so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
