which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
