So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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