I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
how does that bad decision feel?
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