im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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