You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
