My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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