hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
