my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
