I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
