the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
