I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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