Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
