yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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