I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
