I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
