I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
