Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
