I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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