I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
