I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
