filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
