Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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