I skipped work to stalk him.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Drake has all the answers
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
