It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
