you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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