I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
