My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
