if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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