So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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