good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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