You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
