Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
