I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
