Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
