Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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