one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
