it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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