I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
