ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
