i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
