OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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