So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
