Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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