I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
