So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
