Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
