Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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