fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
