I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
