My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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