So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
